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I think my partner is selfish!

She is a taker; an unashamed one at that. She keeps asking and asking without giving anything. She wants the world for her birthday but cannot even give her time on his birthday.

He’s a selfish dude. He wants her to be crazy about him, wants sex anytime she comes over and always wants her to look good. Yet, he cares nothing about how she feels, what’s going on in her head, her dreams or her challenges.

Many of us at one time or the other have been in such relationships. We put in more effort than the other party. The painful part of it is the other party never realises he/she is doing something wrong. When in a relationship, even though it is difficult to achieve, there should be a balance or else with time, there would be resentment.

I actually feel such relationships are becoming common place. Men are unwilling to do what needs to be done in order to show a woman that she is loved and appreciated and increasingly women are responding in selfish manners to guys who go out of their way to show them love.

Is this as a result of a breakdown in the family structure? Is it a cultural and societal change that is driving this innate ability to be selfish? Although, human beings are generally selfish. However, it is an expectation that a relationship ideally should be symbiotic rather than parasitic.  It shouldn’t be about what I can get out of this but how we can work together to make each other better and satisfied. The object of your love should not be self rather it should be the other party.  This brings me to another topic which would be the rant of another day – ladies looking for already made men in other to guarantee their own selfish goals.

David Brooks in his New York Times column What Our Words Tell Us talks of rising individualism in our society. He summarizes it this way:

[quote ]Over the past half-century, society has become more individualistic. As it has become more individualistic, it has also become less morally aware, because social and moral fabrics are inextricably linked. The atomization and demoralization of society have led to certain forms of social breakdown, which government has tried to address, sometimes successfully and often impotently.[/quote]

Is this an explanation for selfishness in relationships??? The society has grown increasingly individualistic and it’s me before any body else. If this is the case, then people should remain single and stop being “USERS” who are interested in using others to gain satisfaction without giving anything.

existAre you selfish in your relationship?

If everything should be on your own terms without due consideration for the other party, then you are selfish. Do you call her just for the point of sex? Are you refraining from making investments in you relationship in form of money and time? Do you always think about what you can get out of this relationship and not what you can give? Think of recent times you have picked up your phone to call your partner, are all the calls a request for something, were the calls driven by your own need? Has your partner ever complained about you being a taker? Do you always want to talk about yourself in discussions and brush aside whatever your partner talks about? Are you unable to make hard sacrifices for your partner? Would you choose your job over your partner? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you may just be selfish in your relationship. If you answered yes to any of these questions for your partner, then your partner may just be selfish.

Sometimes people have subconsciously answered yes to this questions for their partners and immediately change their behaviors to mirror their partner’s. If this is happening with you, then your relationship is bound to fail. It is unhealthy to be in a relationship in which one partner is selfish. However it does not always mean it is the end if you are in a selfish relationship.


What do you do when you are in a selfish relationship

Change! Change is the answer when you are in a selfish relationship. The change could either be for you to change your partner or the change could be a change in your partner. The key driver for this change is communication.

I cannot over stress the importance of communication in any relationship. It is unhealthy and wicked to be in a relationship and you refuse to communicate especially when you feel things are not right. It’s selfish not to communicate. You have determined your partner is selfish, tell him. You have determined you are selfish, discuss with your partner. If there is no change after discussion, then it is time for you to take your exit. Trust me, you cannot survive a selfish relationship. You will feel resentment and anger and at some point it may become too hard for you to leave because you would have given your all. The thought of losing all you have given would keep you in the unhealthy relationship.

In conclusion, our society may have turned individualistic over time. However, this is no excuse to become selfish.  We should make it an habit to examine ourselves and if we find any traits of selfishness, we should try to become better persons. Communication is key in a relationship but don’t wait to be told you are selfish. Examine yourself!

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